I recently started multiple small diets that I thought would be collectively amazing. For large portions of my life, I never had to diet. I was very skinny and I could anything I wanted. The only exceptions to this were 6 years ago and now. Last time I was heavy, we blamed my thyroid. I wasn't getting enough iodine, my thyroid wasn't working, my metabolism caught up with me, and I just had major life changes. I would love to pretend that I am a super healthy, skinny girl still, but alas I am not. I am a 30 year old who has had shingles, who has had stress fractures from walking, who suffers from severe depression and anxiety, who has had to evict her gallbladder, who has multiple food allergies, who has severe migraines, and who had random seizures 10 years ago.
I am going on a diet. I am almost 200lbs. I feel miserable all of the time, mentally, physically and self consciously. Let me tell you what I am doing.
Part of me feels like a fraud doing this. I think we should all love ourselves and not care about hat others think, but I obviously care some about what others think. More importantly, I don't like what I have become. I hate it when my asthma is worse because I'm carrying around an extra 70lbs. I hate avoiding the sun because I'm so hot and overweight. I hate feeling uncomfortable in everything that I wear.
The reality is, I am not just doing this for my weight. I could happily drink coke and eat DeBrand's chocolate every day forever. WIll I? No. I'm not an idiot. I have some self respect. Not much with DeBrand's, but some! I want to feel well. I honestly don't remember what it feels like. I remember always getting strep and tonsilitis in elementary school. In 6th grade I got mono and pnemonia. I was good friends with pnemonia and bronchitis, as well as ear and sinus infections. I had a bum knee in my early teens that seemed to get better. Now? It throbs when I climb stairs. I don't want to lose weight to be skinny. I want to be me again. I want to be happy and healthy. I'm not doing it to get a guy. No guy will put up with my cat obsession even if I am skinny. I want to feel good for me.