The other night, I was trying to knock out like 5 blog posts to schedule out. This is the one way I have found to stay on top of my blogging and my social media. Let me tell you what happened. The title of it was Sleep. I started to write about going to sleep and my sleep patterns.
You may not think this is that strange because I talk about pretty much anything, but I am taking this as a sign from God above that I am tired as hell. Everyone is telling me to slow down and I keep saying yes, yes, I can find time for that, I'm a boring person.
At what point do you decide that you should get an assistant or young representative that makes these decisions for you? Someone who can look at your calendar and says, bitch, that girl needs some sleep tonight.
I noticed that the profanity in the blog escalated to at least a 6. I think that is reason number infinity why I am tired.
Most people that know me know that I have two books, okay you caught me, three books that I call my favorite, and I just can't pick which actually takes the prize. One reason I love all of these books is because they are strong female authors, but another reason is because they are so much like me.
The first book is Lean In by Sheryl Sandburg. I have talked about this book so many times that I am not sure if a single person around me doesn't know who this is. As COO of Facebook, she has been a pioneer for women's rights in the workplace. I laugh sometimes when I say that too. I have always been so conservative, but when I ventured into more professional roles, I learned just how bad equality issues really were. I had no idea that I would have to stand up and defend myself and my work ethic against a man. I especially didn't know that there was a difference between pay for a man with a family and a single woman. Sheryl's book gave me the confidence to stand up for myself. She also opened up some very important discussions about roles in the workplace and home.
I hated The Office. I admit it. I really tried to watch it. I sat in my apartment one summer when I was 29 convinced that I was going to watch it and that the only reason I didn't like it before, was just because an ex-boyfriend did like it. I couldn't be more wrong. I want to say I got to episode 3, but I don't even know if I got that far. I got to where Dwight dismantled a CPR mannequin during a safety class.
I wanted to like the show, but not for Steve Carrell. I was a fan of The Mindy Project and I knew of her on-again off-again romance with BJ Novak and I wanted to see it come to life on screen back when she was Kelly. I had to stick with Mindy. I loved TV Mindy, but I was really a fan of real life Mindy. Her book of essays were on point. She was talking like she was any other single woman that was absolutely sick of being alone and judged for going to McDonalds, she hated being a bridesmaid, and she was tired of being considered heavy.
The first time I read her second book, Why Not Me?, I sat and read it in one sitting. I felt like I could hear Mindy's voice in my head. I took that book everywhere. I read excerpts to my friends and family. I bragged on it like it was my own. Mindy Lahiri may be a hot mess, but Mindy Kaling is a hero.
A few days ago, a was speaking to a group of business majors about professional development. Somewhere in the sea of what-ifs and interesting scenarios that we were talking about, we got on the topic of work-life balance. For these students, they called it the class-life balance. I don't care what you call it. It is like coffee with creamer. One part is fairly unpleasant yet necessary, but the other part makes it better. Depending on who you are, you can read that either way.
When we started talking about the work-life balance or the class-life-balance, we were talking about how one student's father would like her to play music more. She is typically busy with work, class and a social life. I asked her if she loves music. She does, but she hate to practice. I can sympathize. I loved performances, but practicing on my own was enough to make me gag. If you have something that is hard work, yet it brings you joy, you should still consider it as part of your balance.
The next question and comment that arose was about me. Have you mastered the work-life balance? Hell no. I am fairly certain that No one has mastered this. At 5:00 pm, I may walk away from my desk, but that doesn't mean my brain is off. That doesn't mean that I stop being an employee of my company for the next 16 hours. That doesn't mean that I don't talk to my co-workers. That doesn't mean that I don't check my email.
I would say that most of the opportunities that I am afforded outside of work are at least 50% because of work. I make enough of a name for myself at work that I can take that and go to different organizations in the community and say, I'm from this company and I accomplish all of these things. I can really help your cause. People tend to remember that and your company favorably.
Every night that I go home and try to relax, I think about what I need to do the next day, what I should wear, what barriers I may face in the day, and how I will overcome my challenges. It is difficult for me to shut my brain off. I think some people have an easier time when they just aren't as passionate about what they are doing. When you love what you do or what you represent, you give it just a little more space in your heart and mind than it probably needs.
I really am trying to improve on my balance. I don't do yoga and I really suck at meditating. I love to read, but I eventually end up putting a book down to go do something that needs to get done. What I am trying to do is step outside of my comfort zone. I am challenging myself to go somewhere that I am afraid to go. I am challenging myself to meet people that I am afraid to meet. I am letting that fear of the new take some of that space away. I am not letting work control me anymore. I am letting me control all parts of my world, even when it is scary.
Last week, I posted a video I made in August or September about my trials with mental illness. I was surprised with with positive feedback I received thanking me for sharing. So many people are out there suffering in silence and have no one to talk to. I'm lucky. I have some awesome friends and family who jumped to attention. I was particularly luck to have a friend who suffers so similarly to me, that she saw it like she was looking in a mirror. She forced me to a doctor and called every single day.
This wasn't my first instance and I am sure it won't be my last. No matter how much control I have over it now, that doesn't mean it is permanent. Any trigger can cause that depression or anxiety to come back. I don't honestly remember being depressed as a child. I think I was fairly happy. I was very shy and self conscious. I we never confidant that people liked me. If they did, the joke was on me! I remember in the 6th grade, we were asked to say what we were self conscious about or what we thought people judged us for. I said my teeth. Most people were saying their weight or their clothes weren't cool enough. I didn't worry about that. The clothes I wore were the ones I wanted.
It wasn't until early college that my signs of depression got real. I remember having a boyfriend that I was happy with, but I would drive home at night from Kokomo, and I would stare off and fixate on the same dead tree and listen to the same eery song. Sometimes I would imagine what it would be like if I wasn't there. This only got worse through college and different relationships. I had one relationship where I wouldn't eat. I had one relationship where I sat in the kitchen every night and ate oreos while everyone was asleep just to get some peace and quiet from all of the noise.
The only relationship that I didn't mentally myself up with was the one where we argued and bickered because we had so much in common, yet we were so different.
The one thing that was always in common with these was my lack of communication. I had so much going on in my head and I needed a release. Sometimes I knew what was going on and I asked for help. Sometimes, I suffered in silence. If I was able to communicate, maybe I wouldn't be sitting here today looking back on all of these failed relationships that were at least 50% impacted by my mental illness. Okay, let's be real, most also ended in the boyfriend cheating, but I know I was weird. :)
Growing up knowing something is wrong in your head is difficult. It is hard to decide who to communicate with. I knew that my mom was the person to go to because her mom was bipolar. My dad doesn't believe in mental illness, but he does believe in bitchiness so I tried to avoid that. I had friends who made it worse. Some people literally sucked the energy from me and pushed me to an edge that I had to crawl back from. Friends at work like Diana and Susan became lifelines that guided me back safely.
It is hard to articulate how a season can impact you. It may be a season of life or an actual season of the year. I typically had an episode every two years in the fall. I love fall. The colors, the cool weather, the lack of sun, the fashion... everything about fall is beautiful. That is until I remember how bad these episodes get. In the fall of 2016, I was on suicide watch. The doctor released me to my parents for supervision. For the first few days, I stayed there and I remember sitting outside and staring. I don't know how long, but it seemed like forever. Time moves different when you are depressed. I don't know if it is because your mind is slower because you are just so anxious for time to change.
Depression doesn't define me. I define it. I make it a humorous part of my existence. Do you remember when I went crazy? I embrace who I am and you should too. It is no different than being born anything else. If you can't beat it, carry it around and show everyone how it works.
I never get tired of telling people about how I got started and the oil that sold me!
Interested in buying or joining my team?
If you polled almost every Young Living distributor, they would probably say that the best oil is Thieves. I have just recently fallen in love with Thieves. Whether it is a glass of chamomile tea with a drop of Thieves and Lemon vitality, Thieves hand purifier, Thieves hard lozenges, or Thieves cleaner, it is an amazing product that will make you feel festive all year round!
Interested in buying or joining my team?
After months of back pain, I finally caved and went to the doctor, and while I was so sure that I hurt my back, apparently it may have been some of that, but I had let an infection get away from me. It was to a point where I had trouble getting up and down, kneeling, picking things up, etc. I wondered to myself, how did I let it get so bad and not see any symptoms. Well, I did see symptoms, but I didn't pay attention. I have been so focused on my social life, my work, and making everyone happy, that I was ignoring my own body.
Will I change my ways? I'd like to believe that I will decide that I shouldn't live with infections. On the other hand, I feed off of making people happy and putting other people first. At what cost should that come? At what point to I say, no. I need to rest.
I'm on my second day of pretty much just sitting and napping while doing a little bit of computer work. Sitting is no more comfortable on my lower back than standing. My medication is almost gone and I really don't feel any better.
My lessons learned are I need to get some Ninxga in my life and use a lot more Thieves!!!
I decided a few weeks ago that I was going all in on essential oils. I am so excited about these products and everything you can do with them, that I can't wait to share!
I have a challenge for you now. Do you want a healthier life? Do you want less chemicals in your home? Do you want less toxins on your skin?
Covered. If you said yes to any one of these, I want to help you. My journey with essential oils has been enlightening and fantastic, mostly because I have had a great team to guide me. They encourage me, give me things to try, remind me of specials, and keep open lines of communication.
I have used them for aches, pains, headaches, depression, and so much more. They smell amazing, and the ones that are dietary taste amazing.
For the last few months of my 30th year, I am offering some super cool things if you get a starter kit and sign up as a member, I will send you DIY kit, information on our makeup line, give you a sample of something not in the starter kit, and will give you a free oil tutorial class! This is addition to the chance to make money and earn bonuses.
What are you waiting for?!
Just under a month ago, I joined Snapchat. This was mostly because my intern made me do it. I kept thinking it wasn't safe, it was stupid, and I just wouldn't use it. Color me shocked when one of the first snaps I get is from one of my best friends from high school and they live in the same city as me.
I immediately thought, who the hell just moves here out of nowhere? Oh wait, I did. I was immediately pumped because I have very little connections to my high school friends. I talk to maybe 2 friends. Distance and busy schedules are just sometimes way to much over the years.
We agreed we would go out for coffee. Well I pretty much don't do coffee so we did guacamole instead. We met at The Hoppy Gnome, one of my favorite places in town. The next weekend, I introduced him to the joys of Two EE's and the Weekends Uncorked series. It was chilly and breezy, they were serving Malbec again, and of course the music was fantastic. We got the chance to talk about some uncomfortable topics from the last time all of our old friends were together as a group, and I was finally given some peace.
It's funny how you can go through so much turmoil in your head for years, and one conversation can change everything. One of the songs I listened to on repeat all of those years ago before having a little bit of "fallout" with my high school friends was a song called I'm Looking Forward to Looking Back on These Days" by Mandy Moore. And I know you loved me in your way, I'm looking forward to looking back on these days, And I'm fine, but I'm not okay, I'm looking forward to looking back on these days.
I'm okay. It's kind of funny looking back. Why are we all so stupid in our late teens and early twenties?
Last year, I hit rock bottom. This year, I am almost a different person. Watch my candid video of what mental illness was like and how Young Living helped me get through another day.
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