Last week, I posted a video I made in August or September about my trials with mental illness. I was surprised with with positive feedback I received thanking me for sharing. So many people are out there suffering in silence and have no one to talk to. I'm lucky. I have some awesome friends and family who jumped to attention. I was particularly luck to have a friend who suffers so similarly to me, that she saw it like she was looking in a mirror. She forced me to a doctor and called every single day.
This wasn't my first instance and I am sure it won't be my last. No matter how much control I have over it now, that doesn't mean it is permanent. Any trigger can cause that depression or anxiety to come back. I don't honestly remember being depressed as a child. I think I was fairly happy. I was very shy and self conscious. I we never confidant that people liked me. If they did, the joke was on me! I remember in the 6th grade, we were asked to say what we were self conscious about or what we thought people judged us for. I said my teeth. Most people were saying their weight or their clothes weren't cool enough. I didn't worry about that. The clothes I wore were the ones I wanted.
It wasn't until early college that my signs of depression got real. I remember having a boyfriend that I was happy with, but I would drive home at night from Kokomo, and I would stare off and fixate on the same dead tree and listen to the same eery song. Sometimes I would imagine what it would be like if I wasn't there. This only got worse through college and different relationships. I had one relationship where I wouldn't eat. I had one relationship where I sat in the kitchen every night and ate oreos while everyone was asleep just to get some peace and quiet from all of the noise.
The only relationship that I didn't mentally myself up with was the one where we argued and bickered because we had so much in common, yet we were so different.
The one thing that was always in common with these was my lack of communication. I had so much going on in my head and I needed a release. Sometimes I knew what was going on and I asked for help. Sometimes, I suffered in silence. If I was able to communicate, maybe I wouldn't be sitting here today looking back on all of these failed relationships that were at least 50% impacted by my mental illness. Okay, let's be real, most also ended in the boyfriend cheating, but I know I was weird. :)
Growing up knowing something is wrong in your head is difficult. It is hard to decide who to communicate with. I knew that my mom was the person to go to because her mom was bipolar. My dad doesn't believe in mental illness, but he does believe in bitchiness so I tried to avoid that. I had friends who made it worse. Some people literally sucked the energy from me and pushed me to an edge that I had to crawl back from. Friends at work like Diana and Susan became lifelines that guided me back safely.
It is hard to articulate how a season can impact you. It may be a season of life or an actual season of the year. I typically had an episode every two years in the fall. I love fall. The colors, the cool weather, the lack of sun, the fashion... everything about fall is beautiful. That is until I remember how bad these episodes get. In the fall of 2016, I was on suicide watch. The doctor released me to my parents for supervision. For the first few days, I stayed there and I remember sitting outside and staring. I don't know how long, but it seemed like forever. Time moves different when you are depressed. I don't know if it is because your mind is slower because you are just so anxious for time to change.
Depression doesn't define me. I define it. I make it a humorous part of my existence. Do you remember when I went crazy? I embrace who I am and you should too. It is no different than being born anything else. If you can't beat it, carry it around and show everyone how it works.
During Halloween time, I love sitting and watching movies that are truly spooky. It is a bonus if the movie is not just spooky, but it finds a way to touch you like most movies don't. Most scary movies are just that, scary movies. I thought this movie would help ease my mind after I had seen some gory scenes in Gerald's Game. Two teenagers in the picture just made me assume that it was very Disney like.
I started watching and realized, I was going to be useless. I wasn't going to be productive and multitask. I got up, grabbed a drink, and made some popcorn, because I was about to go on a emotional ride. This movie starts off with a group of skater bullies teasing another kid and calling him names. I knew that since this was set up on Halloween that it would be bad. I wasn't prepared for the adventure that one of the bullies and the bullied kid went on throughout the course of the movie. Early in the movie, you realize that with all of the cigarettes and alcohol, something terrible is going to happen. You figure out without being told that Jonah, the bullied boy, may have not survived the bullying.
Corey is obviously torn up by the bullying and his desire to make something better out of his life. When he breaks away from the group, he finds Jonah skating in the skate park and sees him fall and hit his head. He agrees to help him home, but the hostility and tension is real with these two. We find out that these two were best friends as children. Jonah teases Corey with ghost stories and scare tactics during the obligatory guided way home. It turns out, these Halloween ghost stories are not so separated from them.
Jonah and Corey start mending their broken friendship slowly over the evening and they are faced with addressing the thing that tore them apart so many Halloweens ago. While making their way home one Halloween, they ran into two bullies in a tunnel. Jonah was raped and Corey ran away, never to speak to Jonah again. This also started the rumors about Jonah that led to horrendous bullying. When Corey finally realizes, in a very beautiful and mac-cob Dia de los Muertos type ceremony that his friend is actually ready to cross over, he fights to save the life and friendship that he unknowingly led to its demise. They return to a better time when they were boys who played in trees. They were innocent. They hadn't suffered from the pain of the world. Finally Jonah knows he needs to show Corey that it is too late to save him, but one night has saved their broken friendship.
Corey finds Jonah's body in a river where he had broken a bottle of whiskey. He calls his dad and his old friends show up. Everyone realizes what has happened and what the impacts of bullying have been.
I was struck by this movie because it was about bullying and repairing friendships. When you are abandoned by friends after bullying, it is almost impossible to forgive. Everything seems so huge and encompassing when you are looking for a reason to overcome it. In reality, one small hello could have saved a life.
One of the best parts of being in the Emerging Leader's Alliance (ELA), is that we get the opportunity to travel to other counties to recruit and just meet young leaders like ourselves. I took particular joy in getting to go on this excursion because we went to a new winery and brewery.
Our first stop on this trip was Tippy Creek Winery. I must warn you that it is in Leesburg and it is our in the middle of nowhere. We were driving and looking around and just feeling like, is this right? Can this really be where we are going? It is so far away!
The winery was just adorable. You could tell it was newer, but it was off to a great start. The decorations were very crafty and country. I had a glass of Sunset Syrah. It had a beautiful spice. We sat outside with our group of young regional leaders. It was perfect fall weather. It was just a little cool and just a little warm and the sun was setting perfectly. We listened to an acoustic guitarist play Tom Petty and the Goo Goo Dolls while we talked about real world problems. These weren't the things that normally brought us together, but they were the things that made us seem more human. We normally see each other as exceptional go-getter's, but occasionally, we all have bad days and need a glass of wine. It was the perfect place to chat.
After we had out fill on wine, one glass for most of us, we headed over to HopLore. If we weren't following people, I don't know if we would have known it existed. It is located right on the train tracks in town and is kind of hidden. Much of the place is full of mismatched tables, but I'll tell you what they did right. That sign and that beer tap. The sign was glowing green behind and I am still trying to figure out if they have a green room back there. Those taps were also wood. I felt like I was in some fairyland.
When it came to ordering, I was excited to see Two EE's Plonque on the menu. It is a classic standby for those of us who just do not like beer much. After looking at the menu, Rachel and I both decided to get Korean Tacos. Kristen was inquiring what kimche was, and if I had know how spicy it was, I would have heft it off. They were the spiciest tacos I have ever had. Not bad, just so spicy. The kettle chips you can't go wrong with, but it did seem super weird with tacos. The most amusing part of the who trip to HopLore, was the slightly dirty themed menu. Hot dogs were "horny dogs". My favorite weird mashup was the HopLore Morning Wood. I had to point it out to everyone and send it to people for laughs. It got a good discussion going. Can I have a horny dog with a morning wood please? Priceless.
Typically I spend all of my fall free time watching scary movies, but today, I opted for a new routine. I feel like I have seen every horror movie under the sun. Instead, I decided to watch the American Horror Story - Roanoke season. I have seen every season, impressed by some and not impressed by others.
I was always intrigued by the story of Roanoke, but this story is mildy strange. I was shocked how bloody and deadly it was. I can't remember another season where almost every single person died, but maybe age is getting to me. Oh wait. Murder House.
I loved some of the tie ins between other seasons. I loved seeing Lana Winters and hearing about Bloody Face. I loved the ties to the Mott family. It was a very inventive season, even though much of it was extremely pushed.
My night would have been so much more peaceful if I would have just watched a repeat of another horror movie. I decided to stay up until 4 am to finish the entire season. This morning person (not night owl), was mustering up the energy to hit "still watching" every time. At 1:30 am, I even had a knock on my door. It was fairly faint. 2 knocks, another new knocks, one more knock. It wasn't the sound because I keep my TV fairly quiet and I obviously had been sitting on the couch for hours. I may never know who decided to bug me in the middle of the night, but be warned, Those cats were in pounce mode.
Trying to be productive with a cat around is like trying to was your car while driving through a swarm of flies. It just isn't possible. Most people say they love cats because they leave you alone. What ct was that? Mine are constantly in my business. Whether it is Amber who thinks it is adorable to curl up like a baby into my arm or Jacob who just wants to stare into my eyes, these cats are always in my business and wasting my time.
For the record, I do appreciate the breaks most of the time. Who wouldn't want to look at these faces?! Even as I write this and they are shockingly sitting not on top of me, I am tempted to pet them. I know not to do this. This will make them wake up and climb on my lap.
Competition is fierce for us. Amber has even taken to sitting on pizza and fighting for cuddle space with Jake. World, if I am slow at blogging, it is because these two are asking for love.
I mentioned a few weeks ago that I am completely in love with Oola. I started seeing all of these really awesome quotes that seemed to really speak to me. I have been so obsessed with work and projects, but never with taking care of myself. I am always worried about what everyone thinks about me, but in reality I never take a second to appreciate anything or relax. It was a little bit of fate when my oil company released an oil line based on this amazing philosophy.
What is Oola? Finding balance in an Unbalanced World.
My life is really unbalanced. I need serious guidance. I am also in need of a life coach. The 7 f's of oola are fitness, finance, family, field (career), faith, friends and fun. I am not not a fan of fitness. I had a gym membership for a short amount of time, but I had didn't really have the ambition to keep going. Even when my medication started to make me heavier, I just couldn't do it. Finance is what I really strive to improve. When I first heard of the Oola oils, I knew that this was the one that I wanted on my order list. Family has been an interesting challenge over the past few years. Even though I am not the central part of the feud, members of my family have been feuding and it has been making our lives a little miserable. I can go on and on about the what my strengths and weakness are in the realm of Oola, but at the end of the day, it is up to me to step up and make the changes. What would an oil do to help? It is a reminder. It is a reminder to be awesome.
oo-la (noun): That state of awesomeness. It is when your life is balanced and growing in the seven key areas of life - the 7 F's of Oola (fitness, finance, family, field (career), faith, friends and fun).
I never get tired of telling people about how I got started and the oil that sold me!
Interested in buying or joining my team?
I have been involved with Young Living for 4 months, and I pretty much love it. A friend of mine recently switched from It Works to Norwex and invited me to a party. I was skeptical because I sell Young Living and we have a cleaning line. After looking at the products, we are so different! On top of that, we both are huge proponents of living a chemical free life!
When I started with YL, I was given a DVD with a news anchor that gave a testimonial about how cutting out chemicals reduced migraines. Her migraines were turning into mini strokes. I was shook. My migraines have put me in the ER. What if mine were actually like that. My peach and vision are both impacted. I've had seizures with my migraines.
One of my upline ladies, Karen, also gave me a sample of Thieves cleaner. I was in love. On top of that, when I met Kari and decided to join forces and host a party, I got to take a rag home to use in the mean time. I fell in love with the glass cleaning cloth. The other one was great too, but I have a glass top desk at work. I hate that desk. I hate how much windex we go through.
At the end of the day, which would I choose? I would choose both. I honestly believe these are two different products and they have different qualities. If you have allergies, I would go with Norwex. If you are into true natural products, I would go with Thieves.